


TIFU by Throwing my Steak Out a Window

by Flufferdoodle



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Mentions of Gun Violence, Post-Canon, based on a reddit post, reddit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28661802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flufferdoodle/pseuds/Flufferdoodle
Summary: TL;DR - Tried to sneakily throw my undercooked steak out a window, just to find it wasn't open
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 70





	TIFU by Throwing my Steak Out a Window

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Press to Give Gold](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26257186) by [Erina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erina/pseuds/Erina). 



> Based on this Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3im341/tifu_by_throwing_my_steak_out_a_window/

**TIFU by throwing my steak out a window**

Post by u/arsene-thief-of-hearts

So the other day, my boyfriend[24M] and I [23M] were invited over to the BF’s boss’s place for dinner. She’s a few years older than us, and we’ve known each other for a long time. 

Apparently she was really surprised to find out we were dating since it’s a pretty recent development and he tried to kill me seven years ago, and it’s been a while since we talked, so really she kinda wanted to catch up and see what we were both up to now outside of boyfriend’s work.

On the drive over, my BF reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly BF that I always make good impressions. Really, she already loved me, since I dated her younger sister for like a month back in high school. (This was a lie, she did not approve of the relationship and threatened to kill me if I got her sister in any more “””shady business”””, but I was trying to win here, okay?)

BF was not pleased I brought up my dating history. I grew worried he was going to kill me again.

His boss isn’t a whole lot older than us, but her furniture is like, at least twenty times nicer than ours. Unfortunately, this good taste did not cover food. I used to work at a café part time and was trained in the art of good coffee. She was trying to be nice, I think, and serve me some “high-end” organic locally-grown blen she got at a farmers’ market. It was a nice gesture, but it didn’t have anything on Columbian 100% Typica, and I kind of wanted to vomit after the first sip.

This is where things first went wrong.

See, I’m usually pretty okay at handling conflict. I had to be so that I could mug supernatural beings and steal their money before they had a chance to kill me. But BF’s boss is terrifying and arguing with her makes me think of the time I was drugged and beaten in an underground interrogation room and then shot by my BF, so I kinda choked when she asked me how it was.

BF did not do anything to save me even though he _knows_ that I’m sensitive to coffee since he was still mad I brought up the whole dating-boss’s-sister thing earlier.

Soon, she got up to get the main course, and I did the only thing I could think of to get myself out of this terrible coffee hell. It’s a strategy I learned from my talking cat, and one we’ve actually discussed at great length.

I knocked the coffee mug off the table.

For context, in me and the BF’s apartment, we have carpet, so every time my cat knocks something over it’s fine.

This was not fine, because BF’s boss has hardwood floors because even though she changed careers, she’s still loaded.

BF’s boss comes running back in and my BF is glaring daggers. This is unfair, because daggers are _my_ thing, not his.

I apologize for “accidentally” breaking the mug and offer to buy her a new one.

She sighs and says it’s fine and then serves us steak.

Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

It wasn’t like I could just reject it, because I already violently rejected the coffee and broke a mug.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, BF’s boss excused herself to the kitchen to get cleaning supplies for my broken mug. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment… a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I do not have problems with making difficult decisions. I spent a year of my life leading a group of vigilantes to save all of Tokyo and told the god of control that I refused to accept his world, which put the entirety of humanity at risk for ruin. I can be decisive. I can commit.

And commit I did. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window. I really think BF should’ve been impressed at how good my aim’s stayed throughout the years.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t, because the window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest effing window you’ve ever seen in your life, because this apartment belongs to a goddamn perfectionist. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My BF - whose steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament – turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This is unfair as well, because we’ve actually _seen_ aliens from other planets, and I’m hotter than all of them. His expression slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hie-from-me expression of demonic anger. I actually started longing for the interrogation room again, because I sure as hell hid from him there during the last murder thing, and I think he was about ready for a round two of that.

BF’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the windowsill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably actually 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was “I… I thought I was in the Metaverse again, and Ryuji… Ryuji needed healing. Right, honey? … (no help from that direction) I will clean this up… I am so sorry, etc etc…”

Both the lawyers continued to stare at me like I had escaped the loony bin, even though I’ve spent _a lot_ of time talking to my therapist-turned-taxi-driver, and it was really uncomfortable as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. BF’s boss accepted my first story about escaping to my Metaverse easier than my apparent flashback.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My BF’s only two words to me since the incident are “I’m fine.”

**EDIT 1:** BF is now talking to me again. Apparently his boss was actually pretty unsurprised at my behavior and was just amazed my BF still puts up with me.

 **EDIT 2:** Yes, he shot me with a gun in the head after his boss interrogated me, but this was all like 7 years ago and water under the bridge.

 **EDIT 3:** Stop asking about my cat and the Metaverse I swear I wasn’t the leader of the Phantom Thieves and my boyfriend isn’t Akechi Goro, the man who staged the suicide of their dashing leader just because the dates line up and Mishima wrote a book about us and included Ryuji’s name since Ryuji was the only one dumb enough to publish his real info

 **EDIT 4:** u/alibaba, I can excuse rancid gravy and placenta but I draw the line at bad coffee

**Author's Note:**

> i was inspired to revisit one of my all time favorite reddit posts after reading some hilarious reddit adaptations in this fandom bless u all


End file.
